Satisfying expressions of impulses

Vincent van Gogh's "A Wheatfield with Cypresses"

I want to start writing again and doing daily activities works well for me. There are always fears around publishing unpolished thoughts publicly, though in the last few years, I have come to appreciate the value of having a blog that so few people read; it is hardly public. 

I started reading a book on creative this morning that I got from a friend. There was a passage in the introduction that reads:

Vincent van Gogh must have felt some such dissatisfaction when in 1880 he wrote to his brother Theo about his feeling that he was one of those men who are somehow mysteriously imprisoned, "prisoners in an I-don't-know-what-for horrible, horrible, utterly horrible cage." As we know, the trouble was not that van Gogh was incapable of action. It was rather that he had not found that expression of his impulses that would satisfy him. 

While I do not feel imprisoned in a cage, the last sentence about finding satisfying expressions of impulses stuck me. In particular, this passage was striking as it expresses how I feel about swimming. There are few activities that are as all-around satisfying as open-water swimming as it satisfies a variety of my impulses.

I want to explore that idea of "satisfying expressions of impulses" as, in many ways, finding these expressions is what life is about. As I have gone through life, I have come to better understand the variety of impulses that live inside me. Many of them I wishes were slightly different but I have come to gradually accept them more than fight against them. There is hope of shape these impulses over longer periods of time though it is also helpful to accept them as somewhat fixed and try to also shape your file around these impulses. 

For the sake of exploration, what are some of the impulses that live within me: 

• Exploration: I have a strong desire to explore, in most dimensions of my life: physically, intellectually, to some extent spiritually, sexually. I don't really feel it is that I get bored and need to find something new, but rather I am unable to see a blind corner ahead of me and not go look to see what is around the bend. My next impulse on physical exertion also plays a role in that I usually have the energy and desire to push a bit farther to looking around the corner satisfies my next impulse.
• Physical exertion: especially since getting divorced in mid-2018, physically exerting my body on a daily basis has become an impulse. I always had the desire to be physically active but it didn't become any impulse until the last few years. 
• Uncertainty: this is an interesting impulse. I don't like all kinds of uncertainty, but part of why I like to explore is because of the uncertainty. I like to put myself in situations that are unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable and see how I handle them. I have learned not to challenge myself too much, though, and that's why I don't climb down empty wells anymore. 

I'm not really sure what the difference between impulses and needs are. Like I have a need or impulse for love and acceptance. I have an impulse or need for food, shelter, and water. I have a need for safety and consistency. 

... 

Part of why I want to write more is because I am between jobs and would like to invest more time in taking a step back and reflecting on my previous experiences and thinking about what expressions I would like to pursue next. 

I have been pursuing machine learning for nearly 2 years at this point, and this feels like one of the most satisfying occupational "expression" I have pursued in my life, sure the most satisfying expression that I have been paid to do. I really enjoy learning new tools, mathematics, and beating my head against things that don't want to work on. Another appealing aspect of machine learning is the breadth of potential applications. As a paradigm, machine learning is fairly versatile and can be applied in most situations where you have data that can accurately and evenly describe a desired outcome. 

One of the aspects of machine learning (ML) that I enjoy the most is the breadth of things to learn. I have taken around 35 online ML courses in the last two years, and taking these courses has been one of the most enjoyable parts of the experience. Though, I think I am reaching a point where I need to balance my course-taking with other activities like writing and research. I am taking a step in transitioning from learning to skillset now to applying the skillset. I doubt if I will ever stop taking courses as I thoroughly enjoy it and there are just so many of them out there, but I have a tendency to devote most of my free time to doing the courses which is why it is still may and have I sent out my 95%-completed annual letter. IT'S THE COURSES FAULT.

The frame of "satisfying expressions of impulses" I think will be a helpful one as I think about that my next steps. Sometime later I can think about what impulses/needs machine learning satisfies and that may help me better understand what comes next.